As I sit here in front of my computer, and look through Facebook. I notice some things about my life as I was growing up. The main thought is, Why was I picked on while growing up?
I have no answer to this, cause seriously, from the time I started school until I graduated high school, I was always picked on and made fun of. I never in my life from Daycare days to graduating high school, NEVER picked on anyone at all. I never called any of my classmates names, and I never picked on them. I was always smiling and telling people good luck and best wishes and everything, yet some of my classmates picked on me and called me names.
Back then I never really let people know that I was hurting inside and such cause of all the picking on and name calling me they did. I finally shut down in high school and just tried my best to ignore the hurt and pain I was feeling as they continued to pick on me and such. My life growing up, at least through school, was hard, very hard on me. I had very and I mean VERY few friends, cause all the others that picked on me never really became my friends. I’m a friendly person at least until someone pushes the right buttons and I get pissed off then, but I never once went off on any of the ones picking on me while in school.
I knew though that it would be my luck that if I did, I’d be the one most likely to be suspended or something, but I honestly don’t know for sure if that would have happened, but I avoided causing any problems cause I know it could get me in trouble. I was paddled in middle school, and I honestly don’t remember why that even happened, but after that nothing, but I was still being picked on. So basically I just shut myself down in high school and tried to mainly concentrate on my band, working in the library, and my other classes. I still barely passed in many of my classes, but at least I did pass and I did graduate. I felt finally FREE of the harassment and the picking on and name calling. I went to college graduated from one, that shut down, but didn’t graduate from the other, just cause I couldn’t afford it any more and I had gotten really sick and I felt my health was better then the stress. I thankfully was never made fun of or talked about or picked on in college or at least I don’t think I was and if I was they kept it out of my hearing and such.
Anyways, most of my pain and hurt and anger I was feeling, I’d put into over 300+ poems. I’d wrote them and then put them on computer and sadly I lost ALL of them and my 3 stories I’d written in a major HD Crash and it was unrecoverable. It sucked that I’d lost years up on years of writing and was unable to recover the stuff. I will never get over losing that stuff, but at least from time to time I still try to write when I can. I have a better life now then I did back then. I’m with the man I love very much and living with him. He tries his best to keep me happy and that is often, but then there are times like this or other times that my past slips in and causes a depression, but thankfully that depression doesn’t happen long, cause of the GREAT friends I have now. I also live in the beautiful state of Colorado and the mountains and country side here are always breathtaking. I no longer live in Arkansas where my old life was, I was able to get my dad back up to Illinois to live with his family, so I wouldn’t have to worry so much about him any more.
My mom is fine and also lives in Illinois along with my stepfather. My brother well, not much I have to say about him, I just want him to be happy and no where near me. I love him yes but we tend to get along better when we are separated and apart. It’s for the best this way and only seeing each other every now and then. We were always fighting and that just made me feel even worse as I was growing up, so combining that with the picking on and name calling at school, I was never stress free. I was always stressed out to the point that I would literally walk home from school after school is let out. I would take long walks just to think or cry or whatever before I got home. I was always walking around Arkadelphia and continued to do walking when I could before my health got really bad.
Hell I remember the days when I could do a lot of swimming, biking, walking, hiking and more. I remember hiking up and down West Mountain and Hot Springs Mountain. I remember swimming in Degray Lake and other places. I remember riding my bike all over the place, down to my aunt’s or cousins or something, just to get away from the every day stress of life. It was the only way I could feel free and think or even work out my frustrations.
Sadly now a days, since my health is as it is, I can’t really do that much any more. I have to get on Xbox or some other computer game to kill or shot things or something to work out my frustration and sometimes that’s not even wise, especially on Xbox. Other players out there start shit talking and it pisses me off, especially when they are shit talking and picking on my friends that I’m playing with. I now tell them what for. I find it funny, but then I start noticing I’m just getting ticked off more and my blood pressure goes up. I am much better off when I’m in a party chat cause then I don’t have to hear what the others are saying and I keep my cool until I’ve been playing to long and I start getting mad even in party chat. Lol that’s when I know it’s time to call it quits for the night or day depending on what time it is, mostly night.
I do however still write when I need to and such, though it’s not often. I usually just go lie down and go to sleep.
Well I don’t have much else to say, so I’m going to end this post here. I feel a lot better typing this out and posting it. :)