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Archive for the ‘Games (XBOX 360)’ Category

As I sit here in front of my computer, and look through Facebook.  I notice some things about my life as I was growing up.  The main thought is, Why was I picked on while growing up?

I have no answer to this, cause seriously, from the time I started school until I graduated high school, I was always picked on and made fun of.  I never in my life from Daycare days to graduating high school, NEVER picked on anyone at all.  I never called any of my classmates names, and I never picked on them.  I was always smiling and telling people good luck and best wishes and everything, yet some of my classmates picked on me and called me names.

Back then I never really let people know that I was hurting inside and such cause of all the picking on and name calling me they did.  I finally shut down in high school and just tried my best to ignore the hurt and pain I was feeling as they continued to pick on me and such.  My life growing up, at least through school, was hard, very hard on me.  I had very and I mean VERY few friends, cause all the others that picked on me never really became my friends.  I’m a friendly person at least until someone pushes the right buttons and I get pissed off then, but I never once went off on any of the ones picking on me while in school.

I knew though that it would be my luck that if I did, I’d be the one most likely to be suspended or something, but I honestly don’t know for sure if that would have happened, but I avoided causing any problems cause I know it could get me in trouble.  I was paddled in middle school, and I honestly don’t remember why that even happened, but after that nothing, but I was still being picked on.  So basically I just shut myself down in high school and tried to mainly concentrate on my band, working in the library, and my other classes.  I still barely passed in many of my classes, but at least I did pass and I did graduate.  I felt finally FREE of the harassment and the picking on and name calling.  I went to college graduated from one, that shut down, but didn’t graduate from the other, just cause I couldn’t afford it any more and I had gotten really sick and I felt my health was better then the stress.  I thankfully was never made fun of or talked about or picked on in college or at least I don’t think I was and if I was they kept it out of my hearing and such.

Anyways, most of my pain and hurt and anger I was feeling, I’d put into over 300+ poems.  I’d wrote them and then put them on computer and sadly I lost ALL of them and my 3 stories I’d written in a major HD Crash and it was unrecoverable.  It sucked that I’d lost years up on years of writing and was unable to recover the stuff.  I will never get over losing that stuff, but at least from time to time I still try to write when I can.  I have a better life now then I did back then.  I’m with the man I love very much and living with him.  He tries his best to keep me happy and that is often, but then there are times like this or other times that my past slips in and causes a depression, but thankfully that depression doesn’t happen long, cause of the GREAT friends I have now.  I also live in the beautiful state of Colorado and the mountains and country side here are always breathtaking.  I no longer live in Arkansas where my old life was, I was able to get my dad back up to Illinois to live with his family, so I wouldn’t have to worry so much about him any more.

My mom is fine and also lives in Illinois along with my stepfather.  My brother well, not much I have to say about him, I just want him to be happy and no where near me.  I love him yes but we tend to get along better when we are separated and apart.  It’s for the best this way and only seeing each other every now and then.  We were always fighting and that just made me feel even worse as I was growing up, so combining that with the picking on and name calling at school, I was never stress free.  I was always stressed out to the point that I would literally walk home from school after school is let out.  I would take long walks just to think or cry or whatever before I got home.  I was always walking around Arkadelphia and continued to do walking when I could before my health got really bad.

Hell I remember the days when I could do a lot of swimming, biking, walking, hiking and more.  I remember hiking up and down West Mountain and Hot Springs Mountain.  I remember swimming in Degray Lake and other places.  I remember riding my bike all over the place, down to my aunt’s or cousins or something, just to get away from the every day stress of life.  It was the only way I could feel free and think or even work out my frustrations.

Sadly now a days, since my health is as it is, I can’t really do that much any more.  I have to get on Xbox or some other computer game to kill or shot things or something to work out my frustration and sometimes that’s not even wise, especially on Xbox.  Other players out there start shit talking and it pisses me off, especially when they are shit talking and picking on my friends that I’m playing with.  I now tell them what for.  I find it funny, but then I start noticing I’m just getting ticked off more and my blood pressure goes up.  I am much better off when I’m in a party chat cause then I don’t have to hear what the others are saying and I keep my cool until I’ve been playing to long and I start getting mad even in party chat. Lol that’s when I know it’s time to call it quits for the night or day depending on what time it is, mostly night.

I do however still write when I need to and such, though it’s not often.  I usually just go lie down and go to sleep.

Well I don’t have much else to say, so I’m going to end this post here. I feel a lot better typing this out and posting it.  🙂

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Ok i recently played on ghost for my xbox 360 about a week or so ago now, and I got pissed off at some people and they STARTED it so I cussed them out and such.  It wasn’t even at other clan members, but apparently someone made a copy of Kronos’ video that involved it and edited it out some things.

I watched the video and I find it funny as hell, but I think some of our former clan members took offense and I say this.  I stood back for so long of my life and never really defended myself back in high school when I was bullied and made fun of.  I just let it happen, well guess what people, I’ve grown up and I will no longer stand back and let people walk all over me.  When people piss me off I DO NOT MINCE WORDS and tell them what for.  Many of the people in the clan I play with know how I am and shouldn’t complain about it.

Some have left so what, don’t care they just need to get over it.

I know longer play ghost or any call of duty games any more, cause I’ve gotten tired of the trash talkers, the modders, the cheaters and the hackers.  They’ve ruined those games for me now.  If I ever do play Ghost again it’ll be on my XBox One, but even that’s iffy right now.  The games I’ll be getting for my xbone will be Battlefield 4, Destiny and then last COD: Ghosts.

Once I get my xbone, don’t expect to see me much on my 360 and the only time I would be getting on my 360 will be to play GTA 5.

Anyways, I’m done ranting and raving about things.  I’m getting off here for the night so good night and sleep well, and I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow.

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You know it seriously sucks, when out of the blue you are suddenly depressed and don’t know what the hell caused it.

Well that happened to me just before midnight.  I got off the XBOX feeling like shit and I hadn’t done nothing to feel like it.

I think it dealt with a friend of mine friends that caused it.  They muted me and didn’t want to hear me talking to my friend while I was visiting with him on Minecraft, and not long after he left to go to the store for his mother to get something I was booted from the party.  I didn’t do nothing to these people ok.  Anyways it makes me feel like my friend doesn’t want to talk or anything to me now, but I know that isn’t true, but it still hurts when you went to talk to a person you hadn’t talked to in a while and get that done to you.  I guess that could have been where it started.

Then after getting off XBOX feeling depressed and on the verge of crying, I come into the bedroom and had to gently wake my man up to move over so I could be on the bed with him, and he decided to go into the living room and give me the bed.  I know he didn’t mean to do that and that he didn’t know that I was in a slightly depressed mood, but there has been a lot going on for us lately, with the car tag issues and getting lists and plans done for our vacation to visit my family in Arkansas and Illinois.

I just don’t know what he and I can do together any more really, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m starting to smother him because I DO want to spend time with him doing things online or together.  I just don’t know what to do any more in that area.  I love him to death and I think my loving him to much is smothering and I can’t help that it winds up like that.  It sometimes makes me wonder if I should ever be involved in relationships if I wind up getting smothering and such.  That’s how I lost my first love, was because I was smothering him with love.  I try not to do it but it happens anyways and I hope I don’t lose the man I’m with now cause of the same thing.

Gah I SERIOUSLY hate feeling depressed and like I DONE something WRONG to feel like this and everything.  I just wish there was a way other then freaking prescription drugs to deal with it.

I mean the depression doesn’t happen often, but it just sneaks up on me out of the blue and I HATE IT!  I wish there was no such thing as depression, but thankfully with this depression, I’m not feeling suicidal like I was back in high school, but I’m still depressed and feeling useless and unwanted.  I know it will go away, but at this moment it’s just hanging right under the surface waiting to burst or explode out like a sleeping volcano that has finally decided to blow it’s top.

Depression is such a pain in the ass and needs to go away, but we all already know that it never will go away cause it’s a part of our daily lives here on this planet in our world and has been there for Lord knows how long, so we can’t escape it even if we try. *sighs*

Well I do feel a little better getting this off my chest and out of my mind, maybe I’ll feel much better after I rest and wake up in the morning.  I’m going to go back and do a few more cryptograms and then call it quits for the night.  Have a good night, good day, good evening, good afternoon or good morning, where ever you live out there in our world.

 

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OK I’m lying here in the bed, and started thinking I needed to post something since it had been awhile.

This all started about oh I’d say 4 hours or so ago.  I’ll start from the beginning.

I got offline with my sissy and bro after playing a few hours or so on Wizard101.  I was getting really foggy brained.  I decided to go take a nap, and woke up about an hour later actually feeling much better and clear minded.

Then I got on XBOX for a while and played on MineCraft and discovered that my very first world I created on there was actually pretty awesome in looks.  I discovered many more areas, one with twin waterfalls and others with a nice sized desert and the likes, I also discovered that not far from my little tree farm there were a couple of lava pits on the surface, which we usually find underground.

Anyways, after showing it off to my better half, I decided to join up with a friend of mine on there in the group he was in and chatted, but apparently two of the people didn’t like my chatting and muted me. Oh well, I also was on my friends world in MineCraft for a little while before he had to go to the store, then his friends booted me from the party after he went afk, and after that got on and played a little bit of MW3 before just shutting down the game and XBOX, then out of the blue Depression decides to hit me.

I have no clue what trigged the depression, but I decided to come into the bedroom, and I told my man he didn’t have to leave the bed, but he did anyways and that even made it worse.  I’m wondering if it was the way I was treated when my friends, friends decided they didn’t want to hear me talking or want me in their party, but who the hell knows, I sure don’t.

As I was saying, I came into the bedroom and decided to do some Cryptograms, and they helped for a while, but the depression was still there just under the surface making me just want to break down and cry, I think I did cry a little, but I stopped and started thinking that I needed to get on and post something and maybe that will help me, so here I am posting like I said I would, after waiting a couple of hours for my little netbook here to update and all.

We also had to delete a program from the computer cause it was interferring with Java Update, and come to find out the program that was running actually shutdown just this past June 1st and it was the zumodrive thingy, so we removed it.

Anyways, I’ll be posting more and I do feel a little better but I think the next post might just make me feel much better.

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You know what really sucks is when you get insomnia.

Insomnia is the worse sleeping disorder anyone can have, and I do have a mild case of it, but I’ve got family members that are much worse off with insomnia.

I will either do XBOX, be online via the computer or be up reading a book or two.

I hate having even a mild case of insomnia, but some times it just can’t be helped.  I also do not want to take anything to help me sleep, cause the one pill I do take with a sleep aid, makes me feel like hell the next day and lingers to long.  So I just read or something to wear my brain down to shut it off :).

Anyways, I am now going to head back to bed.  Sleep well to those who are still up, and have a great day for those who just woke up or are over the date and time line :).

 

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Finally after my bought of frustration the other day, I’m a little more relaxed.  I actually didn’t run into any drama over XBOX. Thank goodness, but sadly yes we can’t avoid drama for it is a part of our lives.

Penny actually behaved herself yesterday, she didn’t get to Hurricane Penny status that day and was rather relaxed and was enjoying the attention and sunning herself from time to time.  Now as for today, I haven’t seen anything yet, but then Hurricane Penny could show up out of no where and cause chaos again. LOL.  Love that furry, four legged, black and white child (kitty)  of ours 🙂 even if she can be a handful at times :).  Maybe with that big speaker almost falling on her she kind of said whoa I need to chill or not get up there any more for now. hehe :).

Well this morning I went in and got my Pro-Time checked, and it was a 2.7, which is right in the area my doctor wants it to be.  My blood sugar and the likes has been in the 120s but would be better with more sleep :).  I’ve been doing fairly well of late and my blood pressure has been like 90 something over 60 or 70 something :).

Right now I’m relaxing before I check my blood pressure before I start to eat my big breakfast with hot cakes from McDonald’s with one milk and one OJ :).  These are one of the rare occasions that I get the chance to get breakfast.  Usually after the doctor office visit :). My man is on his way into work, and hopefully it is within the time frame he said he’d be out of the office.  He did get all the work or most of the work he was working on last night done, and that’s a good thing.  He even ordered himself some breakfast so we both have breakfast to eat.  He dropped me off at home and then headed out.  🙂

I played plenty on Wizards yesterday and after I got off there with my sister last night, I got my shot and pills taken.  Sadly I got on XBOX for a little while and played for about 2 1/2 or 3 hours, then remembered, damn I have to get my Pro-Time checked in the morning, then got off there and went to bed.  Now it’s time to relax and deal with a few games on Face Book and the likes before I eat.  Until next time (when ever that will be)! 🙂

 

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Ok so now I’m frustrated to the point of crying right now.  Penny has been misbehaving today and she finally made me blow my gasket.  No I didn’t hurt her or anything, but she went and knocked off one of the big speakers in the master bedroom.

Now lets hope she learns not to do that again.  I just hope that my man will be in a good mood to deal with Hurricane Penny.  I’ve had to shut off the master bedroom to keep her out of it, now lets hope her destructive hyper active mood doesn’t wind up destroying our computer network.  I just don’t know what the hell has gotten into her this morning and I don’t even want to find out.  She’s been batting at things again and I haven’t even run my electric razor for almost a week.

I probably have everyone in the apartment building wondering what the hell that was with me yelling at her and the patio door wide open.

God give me strength to get over what ever the hell has frustrated me today.  I slept at least 8 hours yet how the hell can I be over tired again.

Maybe it was all the drama happening over xbox last night, so I’ll be avoiding it for a little while.  I SERIOUSLY HATE DRAMA.

Hell it’s also probably my horrible mood swings because I’ll be starting soon and the PMS is really going to be bad this month.  Maybe even my cycle.  Hell I don’t know any more.

I SERIOUSLY hate being like this.  I’m usually never like this PERIOD, but for some reason it’s like right there on the edge of blowing up. *sighs*

As for the drama on XBOX last night, lets just say I will not pick friends over other friends.  One friend says he doesn’t like this group cause of something they do, yet when that group I play with a few of them from that group doesn’t.  I don’t know what the hell they did to each other, but seriously folks please stop dragging me into the middle of the drama.  I like everyone I play with on there, but damn it I won’t choose over one or the other but if you don’t want to be my friend cause I’m friends with another person that you don’t like get over it ok and you can easily remove me from your list and it won’t be no skin off my nose.

I get on xbox to RELAX and have FUN not to be mean and the likes.  XBOX IS JUST A GAME CONSOLE WITH GAMES STOP TAKING THE SHIT SO DAMN SERIOUSLY! IT’S A GAME FOR FUCK SAKE GET OVER IT!!!!!!!

Anyways, I might have more to deal with later but honestly I don’t give a fuck about it and if people find my blog, especially this one bad cause of the cuss words I DO NOT CARE.  I have a right to type what I want and this is adult language in so many blogs out there it shouldn’t be no issue to ANYONE.  Free speech after all! God Bless America for that!

 

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