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As I sit here in front of my computer, and look through Facebook.  I notice some things about my life as I was growing up.  The main thought is, Why was I picked on while growing up?

I have no answer to this, cause seriously, from the time I started school until I graduated high school, I was always picked on and made fun of.  I never in my life from Daycare days to graduating high school, NEVER picked on anyone at all.  I never called any of my classmates names, and I never picked on them.  I was always smiling and telling people good luck and best wishes and everything, yet some of my classmates picked on me and called me names.

Back then I never really let people know that I was hurting inside and such cause of all the picking on and name calling me they did.  I finally shut down in high school and just tried my best to ignore the hurt and pain I was feeling as they continued to pick on me and such.  My life growing up, at least through school, was hard, very hard on me.  I had very and I mean VERY few friends, cause all the others that picked on me never really became my friends.  I’m a friendly person at least until someone pushes the right buttons and I get pissed off then, but I never once went off on any of the ones picking on me while in school.

I knew though that it would be my luck that if I did, I’d be the one most likely to be suspended or something, but I honestly don’t know for sure if that would have happened, but I avoided causing any problems cause I know it could get me in trouble.  I was paddled in middle school, and I honestly don’t remember why that even happened, but after that nothing, but I was still being picked on.  So basically I just shut myself down in high school and tried to mainly concentrate on my band, working in the library, and my other classes.  I still barely passed in many of my classes, but at least I did pass and I did graduate.  I felt finally FREE of the harassment and the picking on and name calling.  I went to college graduated from one, that shut down, but didn’t graduate from the other, just cause I couldn’t afford it any more and I had gotten really sick and I felt my health was better then the stress.  I thankfully was never made fun of or talked about or picked on in college or at least I don’t think I was and if I was they kept it out of my hearing and such.

Anyways, most of my pain and hurt and anger I was feeling, I’d put into over 300+ poems.  I’d wrote them and then put them on computer and sadly I lost ALL of them and my 3 stories I’d written in a major HD Crash and it was unrecoverable.  It sucked that I’d lost years up on years of writing and was unable to recover the stuff.  I will never get over losing that stuff, but at least from time to time I still try to write when I can.  I have a better life now then I did back then.  I’m with the man I love very much and living with him.  He tries his best to keep me happy and that is often, but then there are times like this or other times that my past slips in and causes a depression, but thankfully that depression doesn’t happen long, cause of the GREAT friends I have now.  I also live in the beautiful state of Colorado and the mountains and country side here are always breathtaking.  I no longer live in Arkansas where my old life was, I was able to get my dad back up to Illinois to live with his family, so I wouldn’t have to worry so much about him any more.

My mom is fine and also lives in Illinois along with my stepfather.  My brother well, not much I have to say about him, I just want him to be happy and no where near me.  I love him yes but we tend to get along better when we are separated and apart.  It’s for the best this way and only seeing each other every now and then.  We were always fighting and that just made me feel even worse as I was growing up, so combining that with the picking on and name calling at school, I was never stress free.  I was always stressed out to the point that I would literally walk home from school after school is let out.  I would take long walks just to think or cry or whatever before I got home.  I was always walking around Arkadelphia and continued to do walking when I could before my health got really bad.

Hell I remember the days when I could do a lot of swimming, biking, walking, hiking and more.  I remember hiking up and down West Mountain and Hot Springs Mountain.  I remember swimming in Degray Lake and other places.  I remember riding my bike all over the place, down to my aunt’s or cousins or something, just to get away from the every day stress of life.  It was the only way I could feel free and think or even work out my frustrations.

Sadly now a days, since my health is as it is, I can’t really do that much any more.  I have to get on Xbox or some other computer game to kill or shot things or something to work out my frustration and sometimes that’s not even wise, especially on Xbox.  Other players out there start shit talking and it pisses me off, especially when they are shit talking and picking on my friends that I’m playing with.  I now tell them what for.  I find it funny, but then I start noticing I’m just getting ticked off more and my blood pressure goes up.  I am much better off when I’m in a party chat cause then I don’t have to hear what the others are saying and I keep my cool until I’ve been playing to long and I start getting mad even in party chat. Lol that’s when I know it’s time to call it quits for the night or day depending on what time it is, mostly night.

I do however still write when I need to and such, though it’s not often.  I usually just go lie down and go to sleep.

Well I don’t have much else to say, so I’m going to end this post here. I feel a lot better typing this out and posting it.  🙂

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Well my sister got some good news yesterday.  It appears that the publishers that she sent the first 3 chapters to loves the story.

So she now has I think until the end of April to get all chapters turned in to get it out on the list by May.

Congrats sissy! Best of luck and know that I’m here for support if you need it :). *HUGS* Love you :).

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You know there is that special four legged person that you come to love, that you have either found on the streets or rescued from the humane society, but still you gave them a home.

Well my first cat I ever finally got to have was back in the year 1997, not long after the March 1st tornado outbreak in Arkansas that the twister decided to go behind my house.  We moved soon after that, cause it took damn near 2 hours for my dad and brother to get home from work cause all the regular routes home were blocked by downed trees and debris.  It’s like a damn bomb went off not far behind our home.

Brother decided after that day that he would head to Oklahoma, while dad and I headed up to Jacksonville, AR to live.  This is where I got my very first cat.  I still had my dog Natasha, but sadly not long after the tornado outbreak, she died of natural causes.

A neighbor in the trailer park where we were living was fostering pets for the local human society, and I met Deamon, who had two personalities, the lovey dovey during heat and then the demon cat from hell.  Well she wasn’t really a demon, but she did have different personalities, Deamon and Deamonese. Deamon had just weaned her 1st litter of kittens and was probably just turning a year old.  She was a good mouser and she was also a Torte.  Those who know cat breads will know a Torte :).

Deamon had a way of letting you know in no uncertain terms that she had enough petting and loving, when she would wind up clawing and biting you.  Yep that’s her cat from hell side.  During her heat cycles though she was all over you wanting attention, and this was her Deamonese side :).

She lived from 1997 to 2007 so she lived a good life.  I had to have her put to sleep for advanced breast cancer, it was to far along to catch, and I couldn’t afford the vet care for her.  She’d been a good cat and had live very long and good life.  I still miss her from time to time but I know she is no longer suffering in pain and bleeding profusely like she was.  She is now in kitty heaven in the eternal catnip fields enjoying her new life up there and very happy.

My fiance had a cat who was very old, and Starry Star lived for a long, long time after he and his ex had picked her out.  According to him, Star, was already old when they’d gotten her.  She waited until he was no longer alone in life before she quietly passed away on the way to the vet.  I was there to support him and for him to lean on, so we know both cats are now in the eternal catnip fields playing with each other and the other kitties that have passed on in this world.  They are no longer in pain and are healthy up there.  They will be forever missed.

Then just last year or the year before we finally broke down and went over the the Dumb Friends League right down the street from us and picked out another kitty to love and cherish, and in arrive Penelope or Penny for short.  She’d just weaned her kittens two weeks pryer to going up for adoption.  We feel in love with her.  She is well loved and taken care of and returns that love unconditionally.  She’s usually a goody kitty, but then there are times that she is a Miss Toot Girl 🙂 as you have all previously read about the cat food blunder post I posted last month. LOL :). Penny has a mix of both Deamon and Star in her with the way she acts at times.  We sometimes accidentally calls her by one of our former kitty names.  I sometimes call her Deamon, but it’s gotten less and Erbo sometimes ended up calling her Star, but it’s not as prominent as it was at the beginning of us getting her.

You know having pets can enhance a person’s life and it feels so good to be able to say hey I saved that animal’s life.  Dogs and Cats are the best, but there are so many animals out there that have been abused from cats, dogs, horses and more.  Or they just couldn’t be taken care of cause of money situations.  It’s very hard to have to let your pet go if you can’t take care of them.  I’ve been in that situation many a time.  I’ve seen way to many shows that show animals just being abandoned and left to try and fiend for themselves instead of taking the time to take the animal to a shelter that hopefully has room.

People if you can’t take care of your pets, then try your best to try and get them to a shelter, or try your best to find someone who CAN afford to take care of an animal.  It is so much better then leaving them to defend for themselves, starving to death and the likes.  That is no way for an animal to be left to die.  It’s sad and irritating as hell and it makes me want to just go around and beat some sense into the people who abuse animals to for the fun of it or abandon them to starve to death.  You aren’t human beings if you are doing that, you are nothing but animals yourself.  Animals have feelings as well as we humans do, they just can’t speak up about it and report it, but they can show you that they do by attacking you back if you’ve abused them and the likes. Get a life people and those that abuse animals need to go to jail and stay there.

Anyways, I’ll get off my soap box for now, but be smart.  If you have a pet and can’t afford to take care of them find someone who can.  Pets are loving beings and need a home as much as we do.  If I could I’d try and take every single animal I could in, but that isn’t likely since that would also be known as hording and I don’t want to wind up in jail for that or forced to get rid of some of them.  If I had a nice big farm I’d definitely try if I could but still that won’t happen unless I win the Powerball, which isn’t likely to happen any time soon. 🙂

Enjoy your pets, and love them for they are a part of your family and they will return the love and attention.  They deserve so much more and better things, but if you can’t afford all those wonderful things we know pets could use, don’t worry, just make sure they are loved and well taken care of.  Make sure they are fixed and have a microchip in them as well as are up to date on all their shots.  Most importantly, love them and keep them feed if that’s all you can do.  They are as precious as a child and deserve to be loved and treated well.

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Yes I finally went to college, for at least 2 years.  It was from 1994 to 1996.  I was going for office administration, but sadly was never able to complete it cause my health started getting in the way.

There were times in my life, especially in the years after I graduated from high school, that I always wondered who I was and where was my life going to lead me.  I did graduate from a Technical College a couple of years down the line, but that college went belly up and nothing came of it.

It was during my college years though, posted above in the beginning, that I began to wonder who was I really? It took a number of things to get me to finally figure out where my life was to go.  It wasn’t into some grand scheme of work but it was into a life that would be a stay at home mom, but the health issue got so bad that I am unable to have children now.

I went through many relationships, 7 times engaged and 7 times dumped after the men got what they wanted and left me.  Many women feel this way about some if not most of their relationships that went sour or went south.  We were used for sex and once it was done and over with they no longer wanted you.  Well that’s what it was like for me.  After my final relationship went bad, I said fuck it and fuck all men.  I didn’t even get close to any man for over 8 years.  I had male friends, but I just didn’t want anything more from them.  I’d gotten tired of being used for just sex.  Needless to say I only had 7 sex partners all my life.

It was during all this fucked up world of mine, that I started doing some serious soul searching, trying to figure out who the hell am I? I started meditating; I started writing stories and poems about everything that came to mind.  I’d been writing poetry since I was in Junior high, but it was all handwritten at the time, but I’d finally learned how to use word perfect and them and typed all the stories and poems on the computer.  Sadly I lost all 300+ poems and the 3 stories I’d written when my hard drive crashed in 2001, that was also the year I wound up in the hospital badly ill and the last year I was with a man. Now lets get back on track shall we.  hehe.

A number of those poems dealt with the discovery of my inner soul, my very inner being.  In my heart and soul I’m Native American, but I don’t have Native American blood in me.  I don’t claim to be Native American like some people do, that’s just not right, but at least in my heart and soul I am.  I had started writing poetry that was very Native American in influence.  It dealt with Wakan Tanka and “The Great Spirit” above and many other Native American influences.  I asked who am I and what am I, and seriously I got a response to that poem via another poem that I wrote the next day.  I was an Eagle, I soared above all things, I was the link between Mother Earth and Father Sky.  I was the link in my own heart and soul.  I was free to do what I wanted to do.  I was free to believe what I wanted to believe; free to learn what I wanted to learn, and to this day I still look towards the skies and mountains and breath in the clean air and look at the beauty of life all around me, from the trees and plants to the animals and birds that make this place their home.  This is also our home, but we weren’t the first here.  It was the animals that first appeared before the humans did.  It was LIFE.

Since that day of discovery within myself, I’ve learned to love myself and what is around us as well as finally be able to LOVE truly LOVE a man, who would show up in my life 8 years after my last relationship.  I’ve also learned that I am deeply drawn to the Native Americans that live amongst us and sad that most of what they believe in was stripped from them by us.  It makes me wish for simpler days of life, where we had to survive off the land and by our wits.  We were much better off and connected to those days, but we also know that we can’t stop life from advancing, that we had to go with the flow and keep going with that flow or we would be totally left behind.

Also, Wakan Tanka, is the one true creator though just under a different name.  Without him/her we’d still be nothing but dust in space. I hope that this is correct way of thinking, and again I do not want to offend anyone, but this is after all my way of thinking and my thoughts.

I am just very happy that in the mid 90s that I was finally able to become at peace with my heart and soul and am very happy to be where I am today, with the man I love.  I am very happy he was brought into my life when I needed him the most.  If he hadn’t come into my life when he did, there is no telling where I would be right now.  My life has changed in the 4 years that we have been together.  Changed to the point that I am trying my best to get back into my writing, to try and get my story ideas written, and maybe one day sale them.  I am also working on poems that come to mind.  I am trying to get back what I truly lost in 2001, when I lost everything I wrote to a hard drive crash.  Who knows maybe one day I will actually have a book of some type being sold to those who want to read the stories I write, but until then; I am expressing myself via my blog to get my writing ability up to par.

 

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Ok everyone basically knows we have a kitty.  Her name is Penny :).

Anyways, apparently this kitty was trying to wake up two people who sleep soundly cause someone forgot to check her dish before they went to bed.

I thought from time to time I was hearing her pounce on our bedroom door, which she usually does to either want attention or is complaining that her food dish is empty :).

Well apparently this round of door pouncing didn’t wake us up.  I finally wake up and climb out of the bed just after 2 p.m., so yes I’ve not been up long and I’m typing this.

I come into the living room and low and behold, just shy of the hallway, I see the cat good bag of Purina Indoor cat lying on it’s side with a nicely chewed hole in it. LMAO

It seems that Penny got impatient with her humans and decided to feed herself by eating out of the bag LMAO!  I’m not very happy with the discovery but defininently you can tell that before we adopted her she was use to fending for herself while she was on the street. 🙂

So I put food in her dish and poured the rest into the container that has her hairball control food in it and throw the sack away.  Now lets see if next time she gets it in her loveable ornary head of trying to get food again.  I just hope that mixing those two feed won’t make her stick her nose up at the food she apparently likes more then the other, but how the hell else can we keep the food safe from bugs and Penny when she gets hungry :).

We love our Penny even if she can be a toot girl from time to time.

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Dreams

Why is this person talking about dreams you ask or think to yourself.

Well this isn’t the dreams that you dream of to become a millionaire that I’m talking about.

These are the dreams that people dream while they are sleeping at night or whenever they be sleeping.

Some people will remember their dreams, and some will not.

Dreams are what stories are made of, the ideas that pop into motion within ones thoughts as they are sleeping.

I had such a dream last night, or should I say early this morning, LOL.

The details were so vivid and an idea might pop from it, or I just want to talk about it.

In this dream I had early this morning, it was about a Native American couple.  Many people discriminate or don’t even acknowledge that the Native Americans are here in our very world today, because to many they think of the old west and the cowboy and indian battles that took place. Many also think they are starving and barely making a living out there living on their reservations, but little do people know that the Native Americans are if not richer then us by far.  Their culture is part of it, the other part deals with Casinos, oil rights and even those who were able to break away from the reservation in today’s world to make their way in the business world, ranching and more, but people never pay attention to what the first Americans who were here before the Europeans or second Americans came to this world.  Anyways, back to my dream, sorry about going off the subject of what I’m talking about lol.

In this dream there was a Native American couple, the young man helped his grandfather or father to deliver a bull into a ranchers hands.  On the way they were attacked, but they survived.  Upon arrival, the young man was badly hurt, and the ranchers daughter, who was half Native American, came out and helped control the bleeding and to help healing the young man.  This leads to the young man and the elder Native American to remain and live on the ranchers land and to help around the ranch, while the ranchers daughter and the young man finished high school. The couple feel deeply in love with each other and not long after they graduated from high school they marry.

After they marry, they both go off to tend the same college, but had to take a train to get to where they needed to go.  Back in this day this is when they segregated the poor folk as well as the black folk and the Native Americans from the rich fat people and were placed in a separate car from the others.  On this train trip there are two antagonist, a young man and a young woman, who seem to focus mostly on the Native American couple and they tend to taunt and start fights with them.

The young woman of the couple decided enough was enough, and little to people knowing it, she was a medicine woman of her tribe, so she first focused on the female of the two antagonist and used a spell upon her to make her very sick and with the sickness the young woman passes on.  The others who were riding with the couple soon became friends with them and allies, cause they too had gotten tired of being egged on and picked on because of their status within the world.  Soon after the mysterious illness and death of the female worker the other workers had wondered what had happened, but no one knew or even asked about it cause they were worried they might get it next.

The male worker still didn’t get the message and continued to be disrespectful, and later that night, one of the male occupants of the car came forward and pulled with him something and placed it in front of the young Native American woman and asked if she could do the same for the final disrespecting worker and all the others also tossed in what ever was needed to help, and so the medicine woman does her work one last time and instead of causing an illness, she was able to make the disrespectful worker get drunk at the next stop where he is left behind and soon dies not long after the train has pulled away from the stop.

The idea behind this dream was sweet revenge, but don’t ever think that people have the power to make people ill with magic and the likes to get revenge, but who knows what happens out there and who does what.  I do not disrespect what goes on out there, but I don’t take a part in it either.  To me what happens will happen and life goes on, but still to have sweet revenge against antagonist like this is always a good story with a great ending or at least to some it would be.

In real life we have to deal with all sorts of disrespect, and we all hope that one day that the disrespect will turn into respect and people will some day be able to look at others as the same as them, no matter what your race, color or if you are rich and poor and the likes.  Everyone deserves a chance and deserves respect in the appropriate areas and fair trials and all that.  We all know there are assholes out there who think they are better then anyone else when they are not, but no one can tell this person seriously that no one is better then the next person without offending them when you are doing nothing but just telling the truth, but the truth is better then no truth.  Respect those who deserve it and you will get respect back.

Me I will sometimes straight up just tell the person bluntly what I think of the attitudes they have, cause I just don’t beat around the bush.  I go straight for the jugular and will take no prisoners, and if you don’t like what I tell you then you need to take another look at yourself closely and figure out where you are wrong and fix it or you will forever be left behind and alone, with no friends and eventually you might lose all respect for yourself.

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